next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
