Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
