If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize