I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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