Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
