Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
