Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
