Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
