I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
