Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
