i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize