I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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