I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
