Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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