two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
