Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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