it's not cheating when I paid for it
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize