im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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