just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
