Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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