I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
