If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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