i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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