I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize