What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
