forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
