I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
