I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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