im six kinds of drunk right now
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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