I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize