Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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