i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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