3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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