Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
