You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
