A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
