FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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