just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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