Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
