i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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