My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
