When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Randomize
