I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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