remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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