I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just had sex on a roof
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
