i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I deserve this hangover.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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