i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
