I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize