it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
