my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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