Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
