im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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