I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
love makes seman taste better
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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