you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
