in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
