I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
