I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
