So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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