remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
someone owes me an orgasm
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
