I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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